Dec 16, 2010

I Saw Mommy Kissing a Jewish Guy in a Santa Suit



You know you’ve officially punched your Liberal Jew Card when you find yourself at Wal-Mart buying a bunch of sweatshop-produced crap to hang on your big goyishe Christmas tree, and feel a tinge of the warm-and-fuzzies when the underpaid Mexican cashier wishes you a very heartfelt-sounding “Merry Christmas”.


I’d say that was me doing said card-punching this afternoon at the Hilltop Mall Wal-Mart, except that I’m pretty sure my Jew card was revoked a long time ago, if in fact I was ever issued one in the first place.

Far be it from me to join Bill O’Reilly in defending America against the War on Christmas, but I will say that I’m really okay with being wished a Merry Christmas by strangers. I like Christmas. I like Santa. I watch It’s a Wonderful Life each year without fail and, goddammit, I cry every single time.

I might be a Jew by blood, but I’ve celebrated Christmas my whole life, as has my entire family. Well, technically, that’s not completely true. My dad came from a fairly religious Jewish family that did not celebrate Christmas in the home; however, they did own a small-town retail store that ran an extravagant Christmas sale every year, complete with a gigantic Christmas tree that the whole family looked forward to decorating. Oh, and when he was old enough, my dad dressed up as the store Santa to spread cheer and goodwill and, most importantly, to make lofty promises he couldn’t keep to all the good little gentile boys and girls. Poor Billy and Sally. If only they’d known that was a big old Jew under that fluffy, disingenuous beard, hired for the sole purpose of luring their parents into the store in hopes they’d shell out the big bucks on a Flip Wilson Geraldine doll or a nice piece of Samsonite luggage.

Anyway, I’m a firm believer that there’s nothing wrong with Jews celebrating Christmas, just as there is nothing wrong with non-Irish people celebrating St. Patrick's day, non-Chinese celebrating Chinese New Year, and Tea-Partiers celebrating Black History Month. Besides, Christmas these days tends to be less about Jesus and more about shopping, overeating, and guilting people into doing charitable things they wouldn’t normally do—all things at which my people excel tremendously.

Oh, and regarding Wal-Mart—yes, I’m aware that they’re part of the reason many stores like the one my dad’s family owned are no longer in business. And yet, I think my grandfather would be okay with that if he knew how much money I saved on those crappy glitter balls and generic candy canes. What? You want I should spend twice that at some cockamamie tchotchke-peddler? Sheesh. I went to Wal-Mart for Christmas tree ornaments, for Christ’s sake. It’s not like I bought a fucking German car or something.
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4 comments:

theTsaritsa said...

We celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah, which I think is fun-- it's a nod to the traditions we both grew up with. Who declared a war on Christmas and why does Bill O'Reilly think he needs to fight this war?

tsada kay said...

So do we, Tsaritsa! But I have to admit, Christmas has always been a slightly bigger deal in my house. Go figure.
The silly thing about O'Reilly and the whole War on Christmas thing is that the alleged "War" really has nothing to do with Christ or Christianity or Christmas, and everything to do with the commercialism/commodification of the holiday. Who really gives a shit how we market the holiday in stores? It's already done been bastardized, right?

theTsaritsa said...

It's been a commercial holiday since the 1950s, or possibly even before that, and now they're concerned? Somehow I feel like it has to do with Obama...

tsada kay said...

I think O'Reilly's been on this War on Christmas kick for a long time, though. I seem to remember him getting his panties in a wad about it way before the 2008 election. Of course his show is about pandering to the Religious Right, but I think this is genuinely a personal battle he's waging. I really sense he's distraught about not being wished a Merry Christmas when he picks up his Viagra prescription at Osco Drug.

 
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