Jan 22, 2011

Get the Blow Job in Writing, and Other Things I Learned from Dick





I credit my parents with teaching me the majority of life’s most important lessons, and I am thankful to them for every last one. 
I’m also really thankful that, back in the eighties, they decided to purchase a nice beige Toyota Corona sedan with brown velour interior from a guy named Dick.  Besides the fact that the Corona proved a reliable family vehicle with good gas mileage, Dick was the man who taught me another one of life’s lessons:  Get everything in writing.
That’s because hanging on the wall in Dick's dealership office, alongside many awards of commendation for his service to the greater Toyota community, was a framed 8 x 10 cartoon of a young boy sitting on the toilet, with the caption, Remember, No Job Is Finished Until the Paperwork is Done.

the slick ride we got from Dick
If you’ve ever been around Jews when they're buying a car, you know this can be a time-consuming process. I'm sure you can imagine how bored I was as a young kid, forced to spend hours awaiting my folks' lengthy negotiations in tight confines of Dick's office.  Indeed I spent most of that time staring at that picture of the nekkid boy and mulling over the significance of its message.  But it wasn’t until years later, when I became an adult and had to make sophisticated business deals of my own, that I realized the value of this information on many levels. 

I often remind my parents how thankful I am for Dick (*rimshot*) and the knowledge his unique (not to mention, classy) choice of artwork bestowed upon me during the purchase of that vehicle.  To this day, I'm not sure they fully grasp the profundity of my appreciation, but that's beside the point.
Anyway, I wonder if Dick and his cartoon could have helped Hubert Blackman, the New York student who filed a lawsuit this month against Las Vegas Exclusive Personals, when his in-call lap-dancer/hooker failed to stay for the full 60 minutes of the hour of sexytime upon which he claims they originally had agreed. 

Blackman said he also told the company he was incapable of making an informed agreement with the stripper because he was drunk at the time.
Dissatisfied when Las Vegas Exclusive Personals didn't arrange for a refund, Blackman said he contacted Metro Police and was told he faced arrest for such conduct and was advised to contact the Better Business Bureau.

Instead, after returning home he filed suit in federal court in New York, charging "An escort did an illegal sexual act on me during her paid service to me'' and "I almost had gotten arrested." Blackman said he now needs medical treatment for a mental condition related to the incident.

In the suit, which he filed without an attorney, Blackman said: "I would like the court to close the business. I also would like to get my $275 payment back and a $1.8 million verdict for the tragic event that happened."

Ah, "tragedy".  If only Sophocles were still around to do this story justice.  Because there's nothing like a Greek chorus comprised of Vegas showgirls.

Who knew that the "no job is finished" part of Dick's advice would apply to jobs of the blow variety as well? 

(Not that I'm implying for a minute that Dick negotiated deals for anything other than sensible Japanese cars.  I just think, had Hubert gotten the deal with the hooker in writing, he'd have a more credible case with the BBB.)

Live and learn, Hubert.  Live and learn.



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