Apr 17, 2011

Not Green: It's the New Green!

figure 1 a.

This will be a short post because I just got hella acupuncture and, needleless to say, too much Internet fucks with my chi.

Anyway, my acupuncturist has informed me that I consume too much sugar and dairy, and that consequently (and much to the dismay of my chi) my urine is frothier than it should be. Just think of me as a walking Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks, only with big tits, peasant legs, and a jewfro.

So after a quick trip to Berkeley Bowl for some Chinese greens, almond milk, and toasted seaweed treats, I headed home to take stock of my pantry for things that needed to go. Velveeta? See ya. Half-and-half and its friend my morning coffee? Adios, amigos. Sugary Kellogg's Raisin Bran? Gone with the wind (did I mention the acupuncturist also stimulated my colon)?

It was during this raid of my pantry that I happened upon what might be the most ridiculous product I've ever owned (keeping in mind that I own Lenny and the Squigtones on LP): Whole Foods 365 Plastic Wrap.

I tried to remember when and how I had acquired the most ironic household grocery item ever, but I could not. However, despite an initial pang of embarrassment, I'm kinda glad I found the stuff in my kitchen. Why? Well, because when I conducted a quick Google Images search of 365 Plastic Wrap, I came up with not one picture of the product.  Do you realize what this means?

1) It indicates that Whole Foods is possibly (read: likely) embarrassed to admit to itself and the world that it actually sells this shit.

2)  It means that THE PICTURE OF A BOX OF MATZO MEAL, VELVEETA, WHOLE FOODS 363 BRAND PLASTIC WRAP AND MY CAT (see figure 1a., above) will now be the only picture of the product available online.  Um, awesome?

I feel that the image serves as a bold and edgy metaphor for the lunacy (read: greed) required for the same company that only offers me a flimsy, leaky, paper box in which to transport my soupy deli cole slaw to also manufacture its own brand of plastic.

Oh, and while I was Googling, I also came across this awesome clip on the subject by David Cross. Apparently this obsession with "environmentally friendly" plastic wrap isn't a me thing, it's a Jew thing.

David Cross - If You Care
JokesJoke of the DayFunny Jokes

My cat's stripes are the same colors as Velveeta and matzo meal.  Mm...Velveeta and matzo meal.

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