Aug 2, 2011

An Open Letter to Comcast

Dear Comcast,

I realize there are some people who are happy to pay for a long, hard assfucking.

I, personally, am not one of them.

Well, that is, unless you count the anal bleeding that took place this past year on both Jersey Shore and The Real Housewives of Orange County (no, I'm not kidding--click the links). That's right, I’m completely obsessed with these kinds of reality shows, and were it not for them, I might actually be one of those assholes who never fails to find a way to slip into casual conversation the sentence, "Oh, I don’t even own a TV". You know who I'm talking about. That asshole. 

And so, like any other proverbial dopefiend unto her pusher, I pay you to assfuck me on a monthly basis and, as a courtesy, you provide me with a product that sucks ass on a daily basis. And you seem to know I like reality television, because the channels on my television where your service sucks ass most just happen to be Bravo, MTV, VH1--the magical reality TV trifecta. (Interestingly, I never have any issues with reception on The Fox News Channel...hmm....*cue villain music*) And what’s really curious is that the interruptions in service aren’t constant, but rather seem to ebb and flow with the tides of programming and, more specifically, according to my likes and dislikes. For example, I’ll be getting fantastic reception until, say, this past weekend’s Jersey Shore marathon, and then, BOOM. Scramble-city for three days straight until the 4AM ExtenZe ad on Tuesday night. That comes in crystal clear.

Which is why I’m sitting here at 3:55 PM, like Carrie on prom night, waiting for you to show up for a 2-4 PM appointment window, knowing that the chance you will show up is unlikely, but more importantly,if you really do show up, the chance you’ll actually fix the problem is even less likely. And come this Thursday evening's season premiere of Jersey Shore in Italy, when I’m straining to make out Snooki’s cuca on a heavily pixilated monitor, YOU’RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT ME. Because you bitches have my money, and all I have is a reality television addiction.

(Which reminds me, OMG can you believe Amy Fisher is on Celebrity Rehab this season?! Mmmm...Dr. Drew...le sigh.)


Tsada Kay

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.