To Bead or Not to Bead

About a year ago, my mother was driving on I 93 in Somerville, MA, when she was struck from behind by a woman in a minivan. Fortunately, neither my mother nor the other woman sustained injuries.

“Deeeyah Gahd, I’m so sahh-ree!” The woman apologized, clutching a strand of rosary beads as she inspected the damage to the vehicles. “I didn’t see yah cahh. I wahs sayin’ my six ah'clahhck rosahhry!”

Elizabeth Carey and her verboten rosary.
Image via KETV, Nebraska.

Oh, the irony. But perhaps not as ironic as the case of little Elizabeth Carey, who was told last week that she is prohibited from wearing her rosary to her Nebraska middle school. Administrators recently banned all rosaries from the school because, they claim, gang members have also been wearing the religious beads as necklaces.

 Well, my first thought was, What? There are gangs in Nebraska? Oh, wait, don’t tell me— Children of the Corn, right?

My second thought was, When did rosary beads become a fashion statement?

So I did a quick Google search resulting in--lo and behold--an endless supply of images depicting douchebags draped in rosary beads. Apparently the trend is particularly popular with the boys from Jersey Shore. OMG.

Now, nobody loves a little sacrilege more than Tsada, but this is too much even for me. Channeling Tony Manero's grandmother in Saturday Night Fever, I shook my head, genuflected, and then, on behalf of douchebags everywhere, prayed for forgiveness in the name of the Lord and Glamour magazine.

But then I found--wait for it--the (un?)official Jersey Shore Rosary Beads website, which states, unequivocally, that there's nothing at all sacrilegious going on here:

Q: Is it sacrilegious to wear a rosary beads as a necklace?

A: No. One you have to be a believer, second Rosary Beads are just that, Beads. If you enjoy them, wear them. Sacrilege is is the use of holy objects in a non-religious manner. Christ says that none is holy but the Lord. Just be careful that your wearing of the Beads is not a prideful thing. Pride would be the sin, not wearing the Beads.

And of course there's nothing "prideful [sic]" about Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino (pictured in the image at the top of this post).  Gloating, vain, boastful, conceited, self-aggrandizing, and obnoxious, sure.  But "prideful [sic]"?  Nah.

Oh hai. I always wear my rosary when I go swimming.
(Jersey Shore's Pauly D.)

Anyhow, all this talk of Jersey Shore fashion statements made me recall how, a few months ago, in an unprecedented case of Douchebag v. Douchebag, legal representatives for clothing manufacturer Abercrombie and Fitch contacted The Situation with a request that he please stop embarrassing the company by wearing its apparel. With that in mind, I began pondering that eternal question, What would Jesus do?

I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before the Sitch gets a Cease and Desist letter from Jesus’ attorney. Because Lord knows this shit just ain’t right.






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