1. If only I’d been 16 and pregnant, I could have been a contender.
2. What is up with all the men in tight pants on American Idol? Y’all are gonna injure yourselves. Srsly.
3. Why does Randy Jackson have a bindi dot on his chin?
4. While you can clearly have the L without the G and the T, can you really have the G without the T and the L?
5. The Grenade Whistle is really more of a horn.
6. How does Top Chef manage to be so entertaining I can’t even smell or taste that shit?
7. What the hell did Martin Lawrence use to conceal his mustache when he played Shenehneh?
8. Animal Planet is clearly for people who don’t actually like animals.
9. Really, Obama? Really?
10. I’d rather watch Paula Deen and that creepy sea captain get all Last Tango in Paris with a stick of butter than eat anything that heifer cooks.
11. Why do Pajama Jeans only come in boot cut?
12. Mike Tyson is a vegan?
13. Who the hell are these "real employees" who work for big corporate entities like Comcast and AT&T and Honey Bunches of Oats, who go on commercials dressed in uniform and yak about how awesome their company is and how much they enjoy working for it? Because, um, I DON'T BELIEVE THEM.
14. Imagine how different the world would be today, had that wild boar on Survivor eaten Elizabeth Hasselbeck, instead of the other way around.
15. Snooki's cuca.
16. I’m 89% sure The Bachelor is secretly funded by the KKK.
17. WINNING. Or not.
18. Cialis, Wellbutrin, Flonase, Viagra...How come there are no ads for Vicodin on TV? Viva Vicodin!
In all seriousness though, thank you to all of my friends and readers who have sent me well-wishes since my car accident last month (when I was hit by a
And thank you to my insurance company for being as much like a good neighbor as that guy who used to ejaculate in the elevator.