Mar 11, 2013

10 Other Disgustingly Unhealthy Foods That Are Still Completely Legal to Sell to People in New York City

Image via Buzzfeed.

Behold, the infamous 7-11 Super Big Gulp. 

Some argue it is the poster child for America's deadly soda addiction. Ironically, it is also completely legal to sell under house mother Mayor Blooomberg's  "soda ban", which goes into effect tomorrow in New York City. New York Daily News:

Stores in the 7-Eleven chain — which sell enough groceries to escape regulation by the city Health Department — can keep selling their famous massive sodas, but all city restaurants and bodegas that do more prepared food will have to banish sodas larger than 16 ounces starting March 12.

But wait--before you put your hands together for slowest slow clap ever, here are just a few other obscenely unhealthy New York City foods vendors are still free to shove down the public's gullet:

1. The Choose Your Own Adventure sandwich at the Carnegie Deli. Pastrami, tongue, brisket, chopped liver. Really, there's nothing wrong with consuming a few pounds of cattle and pureed chicken innards in one sitting, just as long as you wash it down with a SMALL FUCKING SODA DAMMIT.  Make it the New York deli classic, Dr. Brown's Cel-Ray soda (AKA "the Jewish champagne"), because that stuff takes like piss, and everyone knows nothing goes better with organ meats than carbonated urine.

2.  Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster.  All-you-can-eat corporate arthropod, coated in your choice of cheese, alfredo sauce, batter dip, or good ol' fashioned butter. Also, you're in New York City and eating at Red Lobster--kill yourself.

3. Slice of pizza bigger than your kid at KoronetI used to live a few blocks from this place and I personally gained a shitload of weight as a result of their delicious, ridiculously oversized slices. Really. I used to be as small as this girl. And blonde. Fucking Koronet.

4. The KFC Double Down.  Role-playing with chicken. This is why we can't have nice things in America.

5. Twice-Fried Cherry Pie at Park Slope Chip Shop.  Great news for gluttons--this dessert is officially back after having been outlawed under one of Bloomberg's other famous nanny missions, New York City's 2008 trans-fat ban.

6. Chili Cheese Waffle Fries with sour cream and bacon at BLT Burger.  It's sad that in this day and age we must resort to gluttony and excess to satisfy our most basic...ugh. I ain't even gonna lie. That shit looks tasty.

7. Half-Pound of Deep-Fried Bacon at Fatty 'Cue.  I'm not even sure what you do with this.

8. 20 Piece Chicken McNuggets box at McDonald's.  Don't be fooled by the "Share Box" labeling; this ad is actually from Mickey D's the UK .  Share, shmare. Everyone knows Americans ain't gonna share shit--especially when it comes to 20 pieces of motherfucking chicken.

9. Sausage, Egg, and Cheese on an Asiago Bagel at Au Bon Pain.  I'm not just including this sandwich because its 760 calories (330 from fat), 36 grams of fat (17 grams saturated), 410 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1210 milligrams of sodium have made it one of Men's Health's 18 Worst Breakfasts in America, but also because anyone who is in New York City and orders a bagel at Au Bon Pain is obviously a huge cunt.

Image via Men's Health.

10. Red Velvet Cheesecake at Junior's.  It's like cheesecake stuck its fat cheesy dick inside a red velvet cake and made a big hypertensive baby with chronic rosacea.  Hey, if it's good enough for Diddy, it's good enough for Bloomberg (see photo below).


Soda bad, cheesecake good.  NYC Nanny Mayor Bloomberg schleps hella Junior's
cheesecake while paying a visit to his friend David Boren (D-Okla.).
Image via NY Daily News.



UPDATE: Drink up, New York!  Just minutes ago, New York state judge blocked Bloomberg's plan to limit sugary beverage consumption in the city. Bloomberg:

In October, groups representing beverage makers, restaurants and theaters filed a petition in state court, seeking to block the measure. They called the ban “unprecedented interference” with consumer choice.

New York Supreme Court Justice Milton Tingling in Manhattan approved the group’s request, issuing a permanent injunction today preventing the city from implementing the plan. The city said it will appeal the ruling, which also held the law violated the separation of powers, as the city council, and not the executive, should promulgate such laws.

Now pass the motherfucking Big Gulp.
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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.