Oct 3, 2013

Git Money: The Dookie Chain Reaction


Image from Poo B Gone.

This week has bummed me out a little.  Between that horrible thing that happened on the Henry Hudson Parkway and the current government shutdown, I've been having nightmares about the world ending.  In addition, I'm finding myself distracted by the obscenity of the fact that my friend, one of the hardest-working, most patriotic folks you'd want to know, has been furloughed indefinitely from his military job while lawmakers in Washington continue to collect their paychecks.

Photo via Get Rambled.
All this has got me to thinking about who will be the real sacrificial lamb in this whole thing.  For some reason it seems like it shouldn't be the nice guy who signed up to risk his life for his country ten years ago.  Then again, tell that to the homeless vet who panhandles at your local freeway off-ramp.

For example, I'm wondering, whose job it is to sift through a Ziploc bag filled with feces-encrusted currency remnants down at the ol' U.S. Treasury?  Who is the dude (or lady) whom taxpayers paid to examine the $500 in bills that passed through the digestive tract of Wayne Klinkel's dog, Sundance earlier this year? Is that guy still getting his check? 

Probably, for as our friend Jr. Deputy Accountant reminds us, the federal government may have shut down, but not the Federal Reserve. 

Not familiar with Sundance, the golden retriever who shit a dookie chain of gold? Read on.
Daily Mail:

The Klinkels were on their way to Denver, Colorado, to spend the holidays with their daughter Amy Church and her husband Coty.
On the way, the couple stopped for dinner and left the 12-year-old retriever alone in the car - along with $501 in cash.
When they returned to the vehicle, the $1 bill was sitting intact on the driver's seat and half of one of the five $100 bills was laying next to it. The other four $100 bills were nowhere to be seen.

'Sundance is notorious for eating anything and everything, so right away I knew what happened,' Klinkel told the newspaper.
The man followed the pet around armed with rubber gloves for the rest of the vacation. Knowing that paper doesn't digest, he managed to pick portions of the gobbled notes out of the dog's poop.

Klinkel placed the dookie bills in a Ziploc back and sent them to the U.S. Treasury, with a request for replacement bills. Independent Record:

Git money. Sundance Klinkel displays his
 government check.  Photo by Eliza Wiley,
Associated Press.
A Federal Reserve spokesperson said that it could take up to two years and nothing was guaranteed; but if more than 51 percent of the bills were there, the Klinkels could get at least some of his $500 back.
Late Monday afternoon, when he picked up his mail, Wayne noticed an envelope from the government. Inside was a green and gold check for $500.
“I opened it and thought ‘holy s—t,’” Wayne said on Tuesday. “I gave Sundance a pat, showed it to him and told him not to eat it.”

So, just to recap:

--Guy is irresponsible with money. 
--Guy ends up with big a pile of shit and no money. 
--Guy hands shit to government, who gladly accepts it.

--Government pays someone to examine shit. 
--In return for shit, government prints up some fresh money and sends it back to guy.

I'm not saying it's a metaphor for anything, but it does have me wondering if we need to trade in the bald eagle for a new mascot

Perhaps a golden retriever?
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